When a Man Loves a Woman
by Valyemma
Summary: **REPOST** Hotohori ponders about his love for Miaka.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.

**Genre: **Romance, Drama. (?)  
**Warnings:** None.

**Spoilers: **All TV Series.

**A/N:** Gosh, this is my very first fanfic! It was written in November 2002, when I was 19, and a stupid drama queen.

I've found it again by surfing around on the web. Originally, it was a songfic based on Percy Sledge's song "When a man loves a woman", but since fanfiction dot net doesn't allow them... I've removed all the lyrics. *grumbles* But the text remains untouched.

But I've decided to post it back, since I know a few people loved it. ^_^

Enjoy!

* * *

**When a Man Loves a Woman**

* * *

Hotohori was sit behind his desk, his head resting on his left hand.  
His other hand playing with the teddy bear she gave him before she  
left, away from his eyes, but still near of his heart…

Even though he was married, he couldn't forget about her.

He liked his wife, but not in the way he loved Miaka.

He stood himself up and walked towards the window, holding the Teddy  
Bear against his chest.

Like a child, he gave a name to the object symbolising Miaka's  
childhood.

He gave it his beloved's name, Miaka.

He remembered how he did this…

It happened when he was alone in his room, the very night following  
Miaka and the others seishi's departure.

His loneliness was worst than ever, making him wanting to yell at  
what was clutched his heart.

He noticed then he was holding the Teddy Bear…

And began to talk with it…

He smiled bitterly, thinking how much he would have left all he  
owned, just too see her eyes, her smile.

Just to hear her say " I love you "

Even just once…

And he was still ready to do it, because he still loved her.

And oh yes, he still loved her…

Every day made his love for her grow more and more.

But as the love was growing…

The pain was too…

She was the good thing he has found…

The very good thing…

But, she was something he couldnt reach, like a rainbow.

He found her…

But couldn't reach her…

He could only look at her…

Look at her beauty, her cheerfulness…

But it wasn't enough…

He wanted touch her…

Kiss her…

Having her every night to himself…

But he couldn't…

It's true that she could be doing antics…

It's true that she could be always hungry…

It's true that she could be acting without thinking…

And a lot people were thinking it was the worst things into her…

But for him, it was how he was waiting for her…

He knew that when she was doing that, it always worked…

He remembered the first time he saw her…

Panicking about she couldn't find Tamahome…

Some people would have been disapointed or even shocked…

But that was Miaka, the way she acted always made him laugh…

Made her show what she really was…

Someone caring for the others…

Wanting them safe…

Wanting them happy…

It was all he wanted…

As a Miko…

And as Miaka…

He remembered when Tamahome hurt her…

When Tamahome wanted to kill her…

The one who was once his companion,

Became his enemy…

Because he became Miaka's…

He fought against him to protect her…

He almost killed him…

But he let him survive…

For Miaka's sake…

Because Miaka loved Tamahome…

And because he wanted her happy…

He knew he did everything for her…

He thought he has lost his dignity when he hugged her for one last  
time…

Letting his feelings taking over himself a last time…

Telling that he loved her…

Spending his last drop of courage and dignity…

Like he would do with his last dime…

It was what he was thinking…

He became a poor man…

Without courage and dignity…

Even though Miaka knew he was still a rich man in his mind…

She knew it, and she showed it to him…

By his courage to let her be with the one she loved…

By his courage to no longer be able to tell her he loved her…

Like he did before…

He knew that she was happy with Tamahome…

He knew she'll never be his…

But he gave her the happiness with Tamahome…

Only her happiness counted…

Even though she'll never the one with he would share this happiness…

This happiness he was aching for since his younger age…

This happiness…

Seeing her with Tamahome was like a stab in his heart…

But as long as she was happy…

It was all he had needed…

Needing for him to survive…

Even though she was happy…

Something was still causing him pain…

The pain to not have her as a empress…

The pain of not having her beside him every night,

In a tight embrace…

Fulling her duty of wife…

Making him happy…

Helping him into his work…

Showing her proudly as his wife…

Giving him all her love…

Bearing his child…

Houki was great at that…

But she was not Miaka…

So, it was different…

It wasn't the same warmth…

Not the same pleasure that Miaka could give him instead…

If only she was his…

He would be the happiest man in the world…

He would be yelling his happiness over every roof…

He would be smiling more than he's already doing…

But it was not…

She was not his…

Hotohori knew he gave her a lot…

He gave her love when she was crying…

He gave her all the happiness she got when she was there…

He gave her all he could give…

He was ready to give her his empire as a wedding present…

He was ready to give her all the jewels,

All the gold,

All the silk that his palace contained…

-*-Trying to hold on  
To your precious love-*-

Even though she did not return his love,

She was still treating him with kindness…

Still having a wonderful friendship with him…

And he was doing the same…

He was protecting her love for Tamahome…

To keep her as a friend…

To keep her friendship…

To keep her smiling at him…

To keep her…

Even though she knew he loved her,

She always was trying not make him suffer more than he was already…

Hotohori was suffering a lot…

This pain into his heart was killing him inside…

But Miaka was not playing with him…

She was suffering also…

Because she knew he was in pain…

Because she knew it was in a way her fault…

But she couldn't change her feelings…

And she knew it…

She would have loved to give her love back to Hotohori…

But her feelings towards Tamahome were too strong…

Even though he was suffering,

He knew it wasnt her fault…

She was perfection for him…

He saw her as the most beautiful woman…

Having the most beautiful mind…

Having the most beautiful soul…

Maybe too beautiful to him…

He sighed, a single drop of sadness running on his cheek…

Then, turned away from the window and walked back towards his desk…

Still holding the Teddy Bear,

He stared at it for a long while…

`'At least… something from her will be always with me… `'

He kissed the forhead of the Teddy Bear softly,

Then put it back on his desk, in front of his sight.

He let his painful memories drop and looked at the files announcing  
the war with Kuto…

He knew all would be over soon …

He knew that all of his pain would vanish soon…


End file.
